“Very small rocks”

Scene 5

‘Burn the witch!’

MONKS: [chanting]

Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

[bonk]

Pie Iesu domine,…

[bonk]

…dona eis requiem.

[bonk]

Pie Iesu domine,…

[bonk]

…dona eis requiem.

CROWD:

A witch! A witch!

[bonk]

A witch! A witch!

MONKS: [chanting]

Pie Iesu domine…

CROWD:

A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We’ve found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We’ve got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her!

Burn her! Burn her! We’ve found a witch! We’ve found a witch! A witch!

A witch! A witch!

VILLAGER #1:

We have found a witch. May we burn her?

CROWD:

Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!

BEDEVERE:

How do you know she is a witch?

VILLAGER #2:

She looks like one.

CROWD:

Right! Yeah! Yeah!

BEDEVERE:

Bring her forward.

WITCH:

I’m not a witch. I’m not a witch.

BEDEVERE:

Uh, but you are dressed as one.

WITCH:

They dressed me up like this.

CROWD:

Augh, we didn’t! We didn’t…

WITCH:

And this isn’t my nose. It’s a false one.

BEDEVERE:

Well?

VILLAGER #1:

Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE:

The nose?

VILLAGER #1:

And the hat, but she is a witch!

VILLAGER #2:

Yeah!

CROWD:

We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!

BEDEVERE:

Did you dress her up like this?

VILLAGER #1:

No!

VILLAGER #2 and 3:

No. No.

VILLAGER #2:

No.

VILLAGER #1:

No.

VILLAGERS #2 and #3:

No.

VILLAGER #1:

Yes.

VILLAGER #2:

Yes.

VILLAGER #1:

Yes. Yeah, a bit.

VILLAGER #3:

A bit.

VILLAGERS #1 and #2:

A bit.

VILLAGER #3:

A bit.

VILLAGER #1:

She has got a wart.

RANDOM:

[cough]

BEDEVERE:

What makes you think she is a witch?

VILLAGER #3:

Well, she turned me into a newt.

BEDEVERE:

A newt?

VILLAGER #3:

I got better.

VILLAGER #2:

Burn her anyway!

VILLAGER #1:

Burn!

CROWD:

Burn her! Burn! Burn her!…

BEDEVERE:

Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

VILLAGER #1:

Are there?

VILLAGER #2:

Ah?

VILLAGER #1:

What are they?

CROWD:

Tell us! Tell us!…

BEDEVERE:

Tell me. What do you do with witches?

VILLAGER #2:

Burn!

VILLAGER #1:

Burn!

CROWD:

Burn! Burn them up! Burn!…

BEDEVERE:

And what do you burn apart from witches?

VILLAGER #1:

More witches!

VILLAGER #3:

Shh!

VILLAGER #2:

Wood!

BEDEVERE:

So, why do witches burn?

[pause]

VILLAGER #3:

B–… ’cause they’re made of… wood?

BEDEVERE:

Good! Heh heh.

CROWD:

Oh, yeah. Oh.

BEDEVERE:

So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

VILLAGER #1:

Build a bridge out of her.

BEDEVERE:

Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

VILLAGER #1:

Oh, yeah.

RANDOM:

Oh, yeah. True. Uhh…

BEDEVERE:

Does wood sink in water?

VILLAGER #1:

No. No.

VILLAGER #2:

No, it floats! It floats!

VILLAGER #1:

Throw her into the pond!

CROWD:

The pond! Throw her into the pond!

BEDEVERE:

What also floats in water?

VILLAGER #1:

Bread!

VILLAGER #2:

Apples!

VILLAGER #3:

Uh, very small rocks!

VILLAGER #1:

Cider!

VILLAGER #2:

Uh, gra– gravy!

VILLAGER #1:

Cherries!

VILLAGER #2:

Mud!

VILLAGER #3:

Uh, churches! Churches!

VILLAGER #2:

Lead! Lead!

ARTHUR:

A duck!

CROWD:

Oooh.

BEDEVERE:

Exactly. So, logically…

VILLAGER #1:

If… she… weighs… the same as a duck,… she’s made of wood.

BEDEVERE:

And therefore?

VILLAGER #2:

A witch!

VILLAGER #1:

A witch!

CROWD:

A witch! A witch!…

VILLAGER #4:

Here is a duck. Use this duck.

[quack quack quack]

BEDEVERE:

Very good. We shall use my largest scales.

CROWD:

Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh…

BEDEVERE:

Right. Remove the supports!

[whop]

[clunk]

[creak]

CROWD:

A witch! A witch! A witch!

WITCH:

It’s a fair cop.

VILLAGER #3:

Burn her!

CROWD:

Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!…

BEDEVERE:

Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

ARTHUR:

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

BEDEVERE:

My liege!

ARTHUR:

Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the Round Table?

BEDEVERE:

My liege! I would be honored.

ARTHUR:

What is your name?

BEDEVERE:

‘Bedevere’, my liege.

ARTHUR:

Then I dub you ‘Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table’.

*Back to the Holy Grail page / On to the next scene!

Adam R. Jones

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About dobermann
Native Finn living in greater Helsinki area, currently in Vantaa. Still avoiding growing up, been somewhat succesful, thanks to my dogs. Passionate about music, hot rods & customs, dobermanns, motorcycles and everything I might foind interesting. I am just as boring in real life as I am in this blog. I do my best and have succeeded in it very well. Any other info, look from my posts or ask, thank you. D-Ma

2 Responses to “Very small rocks”

  1. Mike says:

    Nice name for the page. “Very small rocks!” is the funniest line in this scene by far.

  2. dobermann says:

    It was the one line that makes me laugh time and time again. 🙂

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